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where laughing it off doesnt help anymore. ARGH. WHY DONT YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND. INSTEAD OF GIVING OTHER PEOPLE FALSE HOPE ALL THE TIME. CAN'T YOU SEE HOW MUCH FUCKING EFFORT I'M PUTTING INTO ALL THIS FUCKING CAMPAIGN, JUST TO HOPE THAT YOU'LL UNDERSTAND AND SEE MY POINT OF VIEW? WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU BEING SO FUCKING NARROW MINDED. WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE TO BE LIKE FUCKING LIM KAY YEE MAKE MY LIFE LIKE HELL. You have absolutely NO FUCKING IDEA do you. You don't fucking know what it's like to be in ACJC. You don't fucking understand what it feels like to be so different. All you fucking do is to fucking follow your beliefs, which are, I admit, correct in theory, but can't you fucking see that theory does not always apply to the practical idea? No, you fucking can't see that. Because you are blinded, fucking blinded by your stupid fucking job. Fine, you're earning alot not. I don't fucking give a shit. Your stupid fucking pride. You don't care about how others feel about how you treat them at all. You just fucking expect others to listen to you. You don't want to listen to fucking others opinions. Just want your way all the time. FUCK OFF. FUCK FUCK FUCK OFF. The more I push for something I believe in, the more you make me feel fucking stupid. If you fucking have no inkling of a feeling towards a TV in the home, WHY DONT YOU FUCKING LET ME KNOW!? Why, why, fuck why, do you give me glimmers of hope, telling me, "I'll think about it", "I'm still considering", "We'll find the time" etc. BLOODY HELL DONT MAKE PROMISES YOU DON'T FUCKING INTEND TO KEEP! You just want to see me disappointed do you. DO YOU FUCKING HAVE ANY IDEA ON HOW MUCH I'M FUCKING PUSHING FOR THIS. You know how much thought has gone into approaching you about the subject, how to propose the idea to you, how to phrase my sentences and organise my points? You know how long I've been contemplating? You know how much I've been thinking, anticipating your every reaction and finding ways to counter every one of them? You know how long I've been thinking about the number of stages, paving my way towards selling the idea? Do you see it? How I first set the situation for you in the car, then approaching the subject two days later, gently asking if you thought about it. You said you were too busy. I wondered if you even remembered my first speech. Turns out you didn't. Cos the next time I spoke to you I had to repeat all my points. My next step was to draft a proposal, on benefits, consequences, limitations and solutions. But all this while, you kept me in the dark. Just telling me how you would consider and how you were thinking about it. SHUT UP IF YOU FUCKING DONT MEAN THAT! You know what it feels like, to have NOBODY supporting your campaign? I'm driving this force all by myself. Who's heard of a child having to CAMPAIGN and WRITE PROPOSALS to get something she wants from her PARENTS? Would you let your child go through that? Seeing the amount of effort gone into it all and then telling her to "go away and stop disturbing you with her stupid rubbish"? Can you bear to see my heartache? Not because of TV-deprivation. But because nothing, nothing I said went into your heart. Nothing I did touched you. Everything I did you just let it pass, didn't even take time to consider it because you don't think it's important. You don't see how it hurts me now, because you've closed your room door and you're inside organising your papers and planning your next step in your business career. You don't see how much stuff I want that I know I will never have because YOU are the limitation. You don't see it, because I know it's a FUCKING WASTE OF EFFORT to try and campaign for more stuff. WHY. FUCK. WHY. No one sees the hurt I'm in. No one sees me crying myself to sleep. No one sees my effort wasted. No one sees me trembling. Feel so alone. I'm sorry. But I can't laugh it off anymore. It's no longer working. |